I look stupid wearing a Kimono. I am aware of this. Putting a Kimono on me is like carpetting your living room in astro-turf. Sure it covers the floor, but it just doesn’t look right. Unless you’re a miniature golfer or play left field for the Houston Astros. Sure, I enjoy the occasional game of mini golf, but never in Kimono.
Hanami festival season is coming around in Japan. Soon the cherry blossoms will be out, filling people with spring hope, giddiness and excitement. (The giddiness comes in six-packs with a hangover.) People will flood the parks with picnic lunches and giant sake bottles. There’ll be countless opportunities to don a Kimono and parade around like a Samurai. I’ll be asked by friends and co-workers “Have you ever worn Kimono?” or “Do you want to wear Kimono?” No I don’t.
I know why you’re asking. Because you think I’ll say yes. Then I’ll put on the Kimono and traumatize all the children and senior citizens in the park. Then you’ll put the pictures on Facebook.
Why do you want me to scare chaildren? Imagine the impact on their delicate minds. A goofy white guy in Kimono meandering toward them with a beer in one hand and a plastic Samurai sword in the other. Sure, I could leave my Samurai sword at home, but it won’t lessen the effect.
No, no, this year I’m having none of that. I’m watching Cherry Blossoms in jeans. I know jeans aren’t cool anymore, but I’m an American, and as such, nobody really expects me to be cool.
Oh, and for the record, and I’m not gonna wear the Leiderhosen for Oktober fest this year either.